A common request that I receive on my tips for therapist platform is to talk about how training to be or being a therapist impacts your relationships. In a Q & A last week someone asked how you navigate dating as a therapist in this world of dating apps and social media. What happens if a client sees your profile on Hinge? What happens if they swipe right?!
The truth of the matter is, being a therapist will have an impact on your personal relationships, sometimes for the better, but sometimes also to their detriment. On the popular psychotherapy memes Instagram page, the therapist asked her followers to disclose a ‘spicy take’ on being a therapist. Someone said that ‘all therapists are actually annoying to be around in real life’ (or something to that effect). This made me chuckle, but also made me think. You can’t switch off being a therapist, well I can’t anyway. Sure, you don’t have to act on it, but it doesn’t go away just because you are out of the therapy room. Training to be a therapist often results in a profound growth in who you are as a person, and that can’t be turned off.
So, what’s the impact?
When you grow as a person, you begin to view the relationships in your life differently. You may understand the dynamics in a different way, you may (hopefully) establish boundaries, which can cause upset.
On a purely practical level, the training takes time, A LOT of your time. Some people in your life will struggle to understand or accept this. I actually lost a long term group of friends because my lack of money (training is expensive) and time meant that the friendships suffered, and I couldn’t occupy the role that they were used to me being in. This brings me nicely to roles…
1. The role you once occupied in your friends, families or partners life, may no longer suit you, but they haven’t changed as much, so it could cause friction. You might ‘outgrow’ some of your friends, see toxic dynamics in your family, or your partner may struggle with the ‘new’ version of you. Life is about change. As sad as it may seem, not every relationship is meant to last the distance. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t of importance, but perhaps it may no longer serve you (or the other person).
2. Being a therapist requires your full attention and presence. This is exhausting at times. Sometimes it can be a struggle to have anything left in your tank for the people in your life. When this is the case, updating your self-care routine and re-evaluating how you work (and what you bring home) is essential. In therapy your ‘self’ is your tool, which impacts your wellbeing and your interpersonal dynamics.
3. Sometimes because of all the ‘knowledge’ gained about the human experience, we may have a sense of superiority and believe that we ‘know’ what may be occurring dynamically in a relationship. We believe we can see things clearer than someone who hasn’t trained, or doesn’t have deep psychological understanding. This may often be unconscious and shine through in our actions, or in the way we relate to the people in our lives. Imagine being on the receiving end of this? How obnoxious it may seem!
4. Projective Identification/Countertransference- Sometimes this leaks out of the therapy room or therapeutic relationship, and into your personal ones. Feeling especially angry towards a friend or partner without due reason? Perhaps something of your client material is impacting how you feel and behave. This is why being honest and open is so important in your supervision so you have the space and insight to work through the projections.
5. You might try and ‘therapise’ your relationships. - This will inevitably happen as you integrate all of the theories, clinical practice and self-development you experience, but your partner, friends or family are not your clients, and you are not their therapist. It's impossible to retain a clinical detachment from relationships that you are emotionally invested in. This is not to say that you are not emotionally invested in your clients, hopefully you are, but your interpersonal relationships are a different type of emotional investment, less one sided and one in which your needs matter just as much.
I remember when I was training and dating, I had learnt about attachment theory and proudly told a date what I thought their attachment pattern was and detailed why. Suffice to say there wasn’t a second date!
It’s not all doom and gloom
Being a therapist doesn’t just impact your relationships negatively. Your relationships can be much richer. You learn how to communicate in a different, more meaningful way. You can ask to have your needs met. Being in personal therapy during your training (and perhaps afterwards), can give you space to reflect on your relationships, and have a different perspective, perhaps from someone who understands the difficulty you encounter.
Being a therapist hopefully means that you are willing to look deeply at yourself, and how that self impacts the relationships you are in. It means being willing to accept that you don’t and never will know it all.
As well as being emotionally taxing, being a therapist can also be exciting, nourishing, and mind opening, and if you’re doing something you love and feel valued for, that will also have a positive impact on your relationships.
Lesley