Developing your therapist style

I had a session with a client recently where I said something and experienced this moment of almost Déjà vu where I thought how much I sounded like my own personal therapist. That realisation coupled with reading an article for my study group about therapist styles provoked my thinking in how we develop our style as therapists. Long gone are the days of the aloof, blank slate therapist as the ideal, and a more relational, human approach seems to be where the field is gravitating towards.

How do we do this?

So how does one develop their style as a therapist? The simple answer is through self-awareness, experience, training, interests, authenticity and taking risks. It sounds so straight forward when it’s listed like that! But like most things in life (and in therapy), it’s a tad more complicated.

Developing your style as a therapist is a combination of things you choose, and some things that just are. You will already have your natural style, but perhaps it doesn’t quite feel authentic. Perhaps your style is what you think a therapist should be like or your style is how you were taught to be in your training, and you feel confined to the textbook idea of what a ‘good’ therapist, is. I often joke with my therapist friends that if I were taking my assessments now, I might not qualify as a psychotherapist! I mostly jest but as with most jokes there is an undercurrent of truth. What I mean by that is when I was training, I felt so restricted by the restraints of what tutors and books told me a therapist ‘should’ be like. Never ask closed questions, always allow your client to talk first in a session, keep therapy in the therapy room, wear muted colours and so on.

Therapy needs boundaries and a frame, but not such rigid ones that it stifles the human-to-human connection I hope we are all trying to evoke. We need all types of therapists for all of the different types of clients. The therapist I am now is miles away from how I thought I had to be, or the one I was whilst I was training. It's worth mentioning that the therapist I am today is also likely to grow and change as I do throughout my life.

A few questions to ask yourself when thinking about your style as a therapist

What is your guiding belief about humanity? This is a SUCH a broad question I know, but, for example, do you believe generally humans strive to better themselves? Or perhaps you believe that intrinsically human nature is quite destructive? Having an idea of how you see humanity will help you understand some of your underlying motivations in what practicing therapy is about, and its benefits and limitations. This underlies your therapeutic philosophy, which inherently impacts your style. I think in quite a psychodynamic way (attachment, drives, unconscious, defences, transference) so much of my style involves trying to gain access into my clients unconscious. I trained creatively so the ways in which I practice this range from free association to using postcards, objects, or a sand tray. I believe these can be useful tools to help someone uncover what may be lurking in their unconscious. So already there are two aspects that impact my therapist style.

How do you deliver therapy? Are you somewhat of a blank slate? Are you more directive? Are you led by the client? Are you a mixture? Often, you will be a combination of these things, but if you think about it deeply, you will likely lean one way more than another. Knowing your general method of delivering therapy is important. Some clients will benefit from it and others will need someone different. Naturally your delivery won’t remain static from client to client (that wouldn’t be authentic or display attunement), but there will be an underlying consistency to how you practice. I know that I use humour in my therapy. My personality is naturally quite dry and that comes out when I practice. This is another aspect to add to my therapist style.

How do you communicate? In therapy I use creative measures, I make interpretations, and I use reflections about the relationship. My belief in the importance of working with the unconscious is because I believe it is the driving force behind all behaviour. So not only do I use tools, but I also listen for what is not being said. I look for patterns in my client’s process and in our relationship. I also think A LOT about how I communicate, both consciously and subconsciously. Transference and counter transference are major parts of the work for me, and this is another quality that makes up my style.

How do you want to present yourself? Your appearance will hold importance whether you like it or not. Do you want to dress smartly? Are you more casual? What image do you hope to project? I don’t think there is a right or wrong here, but it’s important that you are comfortable in what you wear, and what ideas it may suggest about you. I’ve had clients struggle when I wear a colour I don’t usually wear and although this wouldn’t stop me, I do often think about how my appearance may be taken by a client.

Although I believe being a therapist is a professional job, it’s not my personal style to wear a suit or something overly smart. I’m quite a fan of Converse trainers for example, and I had a period where I doubted myself because I had this idea that therapists shouldn’t wear something so casual, or that perhaps I was being judged by more seasoned therapists who wore ‘proper shoes.’ A part of me feels silly writing that, but it’s a thought I had for quite a long time! Nowadays, as I am more comfortable within myself as a person and as a therapist, I wear what I feel comfortable in but I’m also willing to think about the consequences of it and how it may impact how others see me. So smart but causal is my typical therapist style when it comes to my appearance.

My own therapy

I was fortunate in that throughout the years of my psychotherapy training I stayed with the same therapist. I was with them for seven years and have recently returned to them. It makes sense that they would have influenced my idea of what it looks like to be a therapist. I think my therapist is wonderful, so I feel lucky to have had such a skilled and thoughtful mentor. I’ve also had a few different therapists over the years, which have not been as successful. These experiences have been useful as they have taught me about the type of therapist I don’t want to be. Once, in a first session with a potential new therapist, all they did was go through lots of different assessments, they barely made eye contact and asked exposing questions all the while scribbling into their notebook. There was no second session. That was not the type of therapist I wanted to be (or have), and so I choose to conduct a less ‘formal’ assessment. I still cover the relevant and important topics, but I concentrate on building the relationship in an authentic way as well as gathering the necessary information (and not making notes during the session). My own experience of therapy has been one of the greatest influences in making me into the therapist I am today.

Clinical experience

Having clinical experience verses reading textbooks or practicing counselling skills in your training group is massively different. It is like looking at a picture of a landscape verses stepping foot on real grass under the blazing sun and feeling the wind on your face. You need to practice therapy to develop your own style. You need to take risks, you need to ask questions, you need to sit with the silence and with the uncomfortable feelings and bear it all. The hint is in the name, practicing therapy. Now I am definitely not saying test things out for the sake of them, that isn’t fair to your clients, but reflect deeply on your work, make that intervention and risk building attachment bonds with your clients. Your style will emerge though the hours and hours of practice. It will be up to you to recognise it, though.

Supervision (and other therapists)

When I read and watched Irvin Yalom, I knew I wanted to be like him. What did I mean by this? Being open and curious, being concerned with human beings and how they live their lives. What made them loose sleep? What excited them? What terrified them? How do they feel about the fact that they will die one day? When I meet a new client, I often ask them to talk me through 24 hours in their life (this was a technique I borrowed from IY). This not only gives me a sense of them, and how they live their life, but also their support system (or lack of), their eating habits, movements, work, love etc.

I also love having conversations with other therapists, both ones with more experience than me (like my supervisors) or those newly qualified. I can learn something from every therapist I encounter. I am curious as to what makes them tick, how they practice and the differences and similarities between us. Being a curious therapist is a huge part of my style.

Knowing your Theories

Knowing and incorporating your chosen theories will provide you with the blueprint and foundation of your work, your style, and your practice. So read, read, and then read some more. Oh, and listen to podcasts and audiobooks and don’t skip on your CPD.

Think about what theories resonate with you and how you bring them into the work. One of the theories that I adhere to is attachment. In practice this means that I think about the relationship between me and my client in every session, not just the content of what they say. What is being transferred onto me? What am I transferring on to them? What could these little intricacies in our personal dynamic mean? I think about what time they arrive to sessions, how they respond to breaks, the therapy room and how they respond to me.. Not all therapists think this way, and that’s perfectly okay, this is my style influenced by the underlying belief in the importance of attachment.

How do I know when I’ve found it?

It feels comfortable, like you are being yourself, rather than trying to be a ‘therapist’.

You are consistent.

Your interventions are guided not only by theory, but by intuition, attunement and experience.

When you feel as if you are being authentically you.

You build strong relationships with your clients.

Some final thoughts

There are going to be conscious aspects of your development as a therapist, what training you choose, what clients you see, what CPD you do and the more unconscious aspects. Your personality, your temperament, your window of tolerance, your implicit biases. Developing your own personal style, means an integration of all these points, and probably some different ones too.

Try to not fear being yourself. It might not suit some clients, but for others it will be just what they need. Therapy and therapists are not a one size fits all. Remember that before you are a therapist, you are a human. Clients generally come to us because they are in some form of pain. They want somebody authentic to be there for them. That means being yourself.

Being authentic is incredibly important, because the most healing aspect of therapy is the relationship, and how can it be a genuine and effective relationship if you are not being yourself? Own your therapist style. There will be no one else quite like you.

Lesley